The Power of Unlearning: How a Single Memory Can Shape a Lifetime

We often carry hidden stories within us, shaping our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in ways we rarely notice. These stories are not just built from the experiences we remember but also from the ones we don’t consciously think about anymore. They form a lens through which we interpret everything that follows, often without us even realizing it. This is the power of confirmation bias at play—where our early experiences influence how we perceive the world around us, reinforcing the beliefs we unconsciously formed as children.

A Case Study in Unlearning

I once worked with an elderly gentleman who had struggled with depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem for most of his life. Like many people his age, he had faced numerous challenges—losing loved ones, experiencing a divorce, and navigating the complexities of life’s ups and downs. But as we began to explore his emotional landscape, a memory surfaced that neither of us could have predicted would hold such power.

The memory was from when he was just four years old. He began to cry as he recalled the event, his voice trembling as he said, “I don’t know why this is bothering me so much.” In this memory, he and his brother had been fighting. In a moment of stress and frustration, his mother had said something to the effect of, “If you don’t start behaving, you can pack your bags and leave.” She hadn’t meant it, of course, but his four-year-old mind had taken it quite seriously.

He hadn’t thought about this incident in decades, yet it triggered a wave of emotional distress, rated at 10/10 on the scale of emotional intensity. This revealed that a powerful emotional conclusion had been formed in that moment—that he wasn’t good enough, that his place in the world was conditional.

The Power of Unlearning

Targeting this one memory and clearing the emotional charge around it led to a profound shift within him. Normally, when working with lifelong patterns of low self-esteem and anxiety, we would have had to address numerous incidents, thoughts, and beliefs. But in this case, clearing this single, pivotal memory caused everything that followed to collapse, like a house of cards.

It was as if he was seeing his entire life through a different lens—one that wasn’t clouded by the fear of not being good enough. His anxiety and depression began to lift, and his self-esteem started to rebuild itself.

Neither of us could have predicted that this one memory would be the key to unlocking his emotional freedom. If we had simply attempted to challenge his feelings of inadequacy or critique his negative thoughts, he would have logically agreed. But because his emotional lens was still shaped by that powerful conclusion from when he was four, those logical arguments would have met with internal resistance.

The Role of Confirmation Bias

This phenomenon is known as confirmation bias. It’s the brain’s way of protecting the emotional conclusions we’ve drawn, even if they no longer serve us. As he grew up, his mind filtered experiences through this lens of not being good enough. When events occurred that could be interpreted as evidence of his lack of worth, his mind latched onto them as proof, reinforcing the belief even further.

This is how early memories, especially emotionally charged ones, can shape our entire lives. They create a narrative that influences how we interpret events, how we see ourselves, and even how we feel about the future.

Breaking Free: The Power of Unlearning

Unlearning is not about forgetting the past but about releasing the emotional charge tied to it. It’s about revisiting the memory from a different perspective, one that no longer carries the weight of a four-year-old’s fear and confusion.

By doing this, we break free from the confirmation bias that has kept us trapped. We allow ourselves to see the world, and ourselves, through a new lens—one that is clearer, more accurate, and more empowering.

This is the power of unlearning. It’s about breaking free from the invisible script that has been driving us, often without our awareness. And in that freedom, we find the space to rewrite our story, on our terms.